Hey Shane, It's Katie, Bette's friend

Dear Shane,
Hi, it's me Katie, Bette's friend. I'm sure Bette has already told you about me and that we've been writing back and forth, and that our conversations have been really helpful. I gave her some great advice and she followed it and seems to be doing really well. So I hope you don't mind, but I wanted to give you some advice too.

Shane, I think you're really cool. You're a really solid, great friend. If I didn't have Bette to turn to in times of need, I would definitely choose you (or Alice).

You've really pulled yourself together. Your hair is looking god and you're dressing well. Thank the lord almighty that you ditched that longer awkward farrah fawcettesque but stringy shag, and threw out that long sleeved lace up shirt with a plunging v-neck. You wore that shirt all the time. And it just wasn't you. It was pretty painful to look at. As Lesbianologist Liz Dahmen once pointed out, "bad girls don't wear shirts like that." They certainly don't. Not that you're a bad person Shane, just a "bad girl" in that sexy mischievous way.

I'm a little nervous about your weight, but Bette assures you that you eat like a horse. And I trust Bette.

Shane, I'm not writing to you because I think you may be anorexic.

I'm writing to you because I think your relationship with "Carmen de la pica Morales" is unhealthy.

The other night when you were "distracted," I think I know why. I think on an intuitive level you know that Carmen is not being totally honest with you.

This is really hard for me to tell you this… but Carmen's been lying to you. She's not even Mexican. She's Iranian.
Or Persian, whichever you prefer. She's even related to the Shah. I'm not kidding. This ethnicity helps explain why her accent is so bad when she speaks to her "madre" in Spanish, and why she looks nothing like her relatives. Shane, it's not your fault. Don't blame yourself. You don't speak Spanish. How could you know? (But now that I've told you, it did sound a lot like farsi, didn't it?)

She's also lying about her gold star (never been with a man) status. Carmen was a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. You find me a gold star former cheerleader, and I'll find a bridge to sell you. But then again Shane, let's be honest, you're not quite as golden as you'd like to think. You show me a former prostitute who pretends to be a boy for male johns, and I'll show you another bridge to buy.

I don't know if I should tell you this, but Carmen is rubbing your face in her penchant for penis. The spanish name she made up literally means "Carmen of the dick Morales." No joke.

Carmen also had a nose job, as confirmed by Negin Farsad, who has seen that exact model on several Persian faces. So basically, even Carmen's face is a lie.

Not only is Carmen a dishonest fake, pseudo Mexican, self loathing Persian, who has know she's as dumb as a bag of bricks. She doesn't understand that you can't blame somebody for something you dreamed that they did. She literally doesn't get that you didn't do what she dreamed you did. She thinks you went into her head when she was sleeping and had sex with Sherry.

If you need to reach me, Bette has my info.

Take care Shane,
Katie