A personal Plea to Bette Porter

Dear Bette,
I am your biggest fan. You are smart, beautiful, sexy, loyal, principled, and strong. Like a fine wine, you have only improved with age and you’re even more stunning today than you were 20 years ago when you worked as a welder/exotic dancer in Pittsburg.

Your sister is a mess,
but your late father was Ossie Davis, which is pretty impressive and which explains your principles and your concern with social justice. Even your flaws are your strengths. Who doesn’t love the vein under your eye that bulges slightly when you’re sad or angry? And don’t even get me started on those smoldering doe eyes. You’re so much prettier than all of your friends. Look at how you outshine your friend Jenny, who is an annoying pretentious troll who thinks she's cool because she wears ugly glasses on purpose, by the way, and who doesn’t deserve your friendship. You are so smart, you totally kicked ass when you testified in congress about freedom of speech and art.

It is because I love you so much, that I feel like I have to be totally honest with you. I’m worried about you Bette. Are you OK? I’m very disturbed by the way Tina is treating you. I’ve never understood your relationship. You are so much cooler than Tina. Physically, intellectually, you are so out of her league. I’ve kept my mouth shut about Tina for the last 3 years. Because even though she is stupid, boring, and not hot, at least she was a supportive and nice, boring, stupid, not hot partner to you. But this is no longer the case. For the 1st time in the seven year history of your relationship, Tina is the breadwinner.
Well Bette, I think that’s fair. You’ve been supporting Tina for all these years. Even your family fotos (see above) capture how Tina has leaned on you for all these years. She should feel what it’s like to take care of her partner and you deserve to be taken care of for once. Unfortunately, Tina is acting like a spoiled bratty ingrate.

Bette, I’m really glad you’ve started doing yoga. I think it is really going to help you clear your head. And you totally deserve that nice mint green yoga shirt that Tina hassled you about. Instead of telling Tina to shove it, you took off the shirt. I was disappointed that you capitulated. This is not the Bette Porter I know and love. But even more disturbing was seeing that you were wearing a mint green satin strapless bra. Bette, you are too smart and practical to wear a strapless bra to do yoga. Buy yourself a sport bra, for god’s sake. And don’t let me find you doing aerobics in a strapless bra. You have a great rack but gravity is gravity and even your set will not survive. Look at these gems! (lesbians, close your eyes. This picture was taken before Bette realized she was a lesbian, so whatever.)

Bette, after you buy yourself a sports bra and do some yoga, please call Senator Barbara Grisham and go visit her in Washington. If there’s as much chemistry between the two of you as I think there is, move to DC. You deserve a partner who is your intellectual equal, who is socially and politically engaged and committed, not some airhead who hasn’t worked in years and who got her job because the woman she was sleeping with gave it to her. And if you get that job in the Whitney, which you totally deserve, you can go back and forth between D.C. and New York.

And what is Tina thinking? What was that broach she was wearing when she was driving around in the golf cart on the film set? I know he’s confused and missing the ole hot beef injection, but really. Our good friend SB thinks this was Tina’s “straight outfit.” I don’t even know.

Anyway Bette… That’s it. I hope I haven’t offended you. But friends need to be honest with their friends and the people they love. If you come to New York for interviews for the Whitney, or if you just want to visit, you can totally stay with me. E-mail or call me.

Love,
Katie