5 reasons why liberals should be happy with John Roberts

1) Roberts is Nice

A nice judge is hard to find. Yet Bush has managed to find a judge whom everyone can agree is nice. And as any jurist knows, niceness is the most important, fundamental, critical qualification for a Supreme Court justice. Liberals care about feelings and all that. So you should be happy that Bush has appointed such a sensitive man for the job. I, for one, am extremely relieved that John Roberts will be careful not to hurt women's feeling when he overturns Roe v. Wade. And it is nice to know that no people of color will be made to cry when John Roberts overturns Affirmative action.

2) Roberts May not be anti-choice

I'd like to remind everyone that we don't know where John Roberts stands on the abortion issue. The left has been making an "Assumption" which, as we all know all too well, means they're making an "a*& out of you and me." It is true that John Roberts's wife is part of the organization Feminists for Life. But I was under the impression that that was a feminist group requiring a life-long membership. Roberts did write that Roe should be overruled, and yet it wasn't really Roberts who wrote that. Much like Oda Mae Brown (Whoopie Goldberg's character in Ghost), Roberts channeled that. Like any good lawyer, Roberts was merely representing the position of his client, which happened to be the U.S. government under George Bush the First. A struggling corporate lawyer. Roberts will take any case he can get, as long as it's a job that will put food on the table.

3) Roberts is a tranny

Those of you worried about gay marriage can stop worrying. John Roberts is a gender bendered. Not since Arnold's portrayal of a pregnant man in the thought provoking film "Junior" has a conservative questioned gender as much as John Roberts when played Peppermint Paddy in his high school’s production of "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown." That's right ladies and gentlemen and transgendered. John Roberts was the female lead in this play at La Lumiere, his boarding high school in Indiana. He also joined the drama club, so he could be gay too.

4) Roberts is a left wing, Nation magazine-reading, actor

John Roberts' advisor is former senator and former Nixon (during Watergate!) attorney Fred Thompson. But that's not important. What's important is that Fred Thompson is now on Law and Order. And Sam Waterston is on Law and Order. And he reads The Nation and even advertises for them (in their magazine). So subconsciously, every time Roberts hears a case, he'll (subconsciously) hear the left leaning voice of Sam Waterston. And Jack McCoy, the DA Waterston plays on Law and Order has become increasingly uncomfortable with the death penalty over the years. That's another plus for liberals.

5) Unlike the John Bolton, the other John nominated by Bush, John Roberts is not a psychopath