I Attack the Yes Men and Defend Our Country

From a speech I delivered at Wesleyan University before a presentation by the Yes Men on 11/25/06

I used to be your typical open minded, liberal, questioning Wesleyan student. After graduating, however, I realized I had been brainwashed by the liberalocracy that runs this school and all of academia. I consider myself a recovering Wesleyan activist.

When I heard that the Yes Men were coming to speak at my alma mater, I immediately contacted the people responsible for the events. Since I know how Wesleyan types get their liberal panties all up in a bunch over free speech, I knew I'd be able to get the chance to speak. So I am here to provide a much needed fair and balanced voice.

As some of you may know from the communist meetings called classes you attend here at Wesleyan, the Yes Men recently impersonated representatives of the Department of Housing and Urban Development, in order to criticize HUD’s closing of homes which were undamaged by Katrina. The Yes Men are just the latest LWWB’s ( left wing wing bats) to jump on the Blame Katrina on the Government and Let Nature off the Hook band wagon. In fact the administration’s response to Katrina was, to coin a word made up by our President to describe himself, "misunderestimated." People on the left are so busy blaming the Bush administration for everything from letting Clinton fly the planes into the world trade center five years ago, to increasing anti-American sentiment and terrorism today, they ignore the fact that the greatest—and undoubtedly most unsung-- victim of Katrina, was President Bush.

Bush was hit especially hard by the totally surprising and inevitable hurricane, because he was on vacation. He wasn't as lucky at the people on the gulf coast who were working and thus were not forced to sacrifice any vacation time. If there’s one thing we can all agree on regardless of our political orientation it’s that our President really values his vacation time. We all know how much the President enjoys his time at the ranch, how much he likes clearing brush. And yet, Bush is such a professional, such a martyr, he cut his vacation short by two whole days! And he immediately reported to duty and flew directly to Arizona to give Jon McCain a birthday cake. He then went to where the country needed him most, California, so country singer Mark Wills could present Bush with a guitar, which he strummed. And then, as if Bush hasn't already done enough for the victims of Katrina, he really put himself out on a limb: as he flew from California back to D.C., the President insisted
that his Air Force one pilot swoop down over the gulf coast so he could assess the damage from an objective, fair, and safe bird's eye view.

Once Bush finally made it to New Orleans, he offered words of leadership and hope, saying "I believe that this town, where I used to come to enjoy myself, occasionally too much, will be that town, that it will be a better place to come to." Our Commander-in-Chief's message to the people of New Orleans was, essentially, "Party on". The President is confident that out of the ashes of booze, cocaine and titty-flashing he knows so well, a greater more funnerer New Orleans will rise.

When Bush went to Mississippi, his words were equally heart-felt and appropriate. He said, "We've got a lot of reconstruction to do. Out of the rubble of Trent Lott's house, this guy lost his entire house, there's gonna be a fantastic house. And I look forward to sitting on the porch."
Senator Trent Lott, an outspoken segregationist and Storm Thurmond fan, is someone who really resonates with the victims of Katrina. The tragedy of Senator Lott's third home brought the people of Mississippi together in away nothing else could. I think what the people of Mississippi miss most of all is sitting on Trent Lott's porch. Which is why I started the Trent Lott Reconstruction Fund, a charity aimed at rebuilding Trent Lott's home. And we're almost there, we're building this house back up, brick by brick, and we're not gonna stop until that Victorian wrap around porch is standing once again.

It wasn't just Bush who was a victim of the gay Jewish liberal vegan media's propaganda. It was the entire federal government. Michael "Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job" Brown, then director of the ironically titled claim to love animals and Arabs, loved pointing out that before coming to FEMA, Brownie was employed at the AHA—excuse, the Arabian Horse Association, for the layman.
Well the AHA is a really important entity, and, as its website points out, provides many "opportunities for you to tap into the Arabian horse lifestyle." And overseeing horse competitions is a really challenging job, which is why, I'm sure, Brownie was asked to resign from it. And the logical next step in that professional trajectory is to become the director of FEMA. Where's the cronyism there? And you know, Brownie did the best he could, given the circumstances. As the universally respected Donald Rumsfeld would, I'm sure, say, "You don't fight a hurricane with the federal government you want. You fight it with the federal government you have. And let's face it, it's not like we have the resources and infrastructure of a country like, say, Cuba. Because the last time Cuba had a category 5 hurricane, nobody died. They have 5 islands on the entire island of Cuba, and they were able to evacuate 1.5 million people as well as their television sets, refrigerators, and live stock.

And The Yes Men, through their sick Katrina-related HUDest stunt, have banged , yet another nail into the already crucified Bush administration with their hammer and sickle of propaganda.

I first heard of the Yes Men when I was working for the Bush Campaign back in 2004. I was volunteering in Ohio, removing people's names from voting rosters. I was thrilled to meet the so-called "Yes Bush Can" team that was traveling around the country. I immediately clicked with these seemingly like-minded Bush supporters and enthusiastically signed their petition to draft prisoners to fight our wars. I also signed their Patriot Pledge, pledging to accept global warming and live with its minor side effects; remain celibate until marriage; and once married never divorce. You can imagine how upset I was when I found out it was a hoax. I felt violated and victimized. I could certainly sympathize with

Halliburton, the WTO, Dow Chemical and the countless other defenseless corporations who fell victim to the senseless shenanigans of these left wing hooligans.

and so, it is my great dishonor to present the Yes Men.