I Attack the Yes Men and Defend Our Country

From a speech I delivered at Wesleyan University before a presentation by the Yes Men on 11/25/06

I used to be your typical open minded, liberal, questioning Wesleyan student. After graduating, however, I realized I had been brainwashed by the liberalocracy that runs this school and all of academia. I consider myself a recovering Wesleyan activist.

When I heard that the Yes Men were coming to speak at my alma mater, I immediately contacted the people responsible for the events. Since I know how Wesleyan types get their liberal panties all up in a bunch over free speech, I knew I'd be able to get the chance to speak. So I am here to provide a much needed fair and balanced voice.

As some of you may know from the communist meetings called classes you attend here at Wesleyan, the Yes Men recently impersonated representatives of the Department of Housing and Urban Development, in order to criticize HUD’s closing of homes which were undamaged by Katrina. The Yes Men are just the latest LWWB’s ( left wing wing bats) to jump on the Blame Katrina on the Government and Let Nature off the Hook band wagon. In fact the administration’s response to Katrina was, to coin a word made up by our President to describe himself, "misunderestimated." People on the left are so busy blaming the Bush administration for everything from letting Clinton fly the planes into the world trade center five years ago, to increasing anti-American sentiment and terrorism today, they ignore the fact that the greatest—and undoubtedly most unsung-- victim of Katrina, was President Bush.

Bush was hit especially hard by the totally surprising and inevitable hurricane, because he was on vacation. He wasn't as lucky at the people on the gulf coast who were working and thus were not forced to sacrifice any vacation time. If there’s one thing we can all agree on regardless of our political orientation it’s that our President really values his vacation time. We all know how much the President enjoys his time at the ranch, how much he likes clearing brush. And yet, Bush is such a professional, such a martyr, he cut his vacation short by two whole days! And he immediately reported to duty and flew directly to Arizona to give Jon McCain a birthday cake. He then went to where the country needed him most, California, so country singer Mark Wills could present Bush with a guitar, which he strummed. And then, as if Bush hasn't already done enough for the victims of Katrina, he really put himself out on a limb: as he flew from California back to D.C., the President insisted
that his Air Force one pilot swoop down over the gulf coast so he could assess the damage from an objective, fair, and safe bird's eye view.

Once Bush finally made it to New Orleans, he offered words of leadership and hope, saying "I believe that this town, where I used to come to enjoy myself, occasionally too much, will be that town, that it will be a better place to come to." Our Commander-in-Chief's message to the people of New Orleans was, essentially, "Party on". The President is confident that out of the ashes of booze, cocaine and titty-flashing he knows so well, a greater more funnerer New Orleans will rise.

When Bush went to Mississippi, his words were equally heart-felt and appropriate. He said, "We've got a lot of reconstruction to do. Out of the rubble of Trent Lott's house, this guy lost his entire house, there's gonna be a fantastic house. And I look forward to sitting on the porch."
Senator Trent Lott, an outspoken segregationist and Storm Thurmond fan, is someone who really resonates with the victims of Katrina. The tragedy of Senator Lott's third home brought the people of Mississippi together in away nothing else could. I think what the people of Mississippi miss most of all is sitting on Trent Lott's porch. Which is why I started the Trent Lott Reconstruction Fund, a charity aimed at rebuilding Trent Lott's home. And we're almost there, we're building this house back up, brick by brick, and we're not gonna stop until that Victorian wrap around porch is standing once again.

It wasn't just Bush who was a victim of the gay Jewish liberal vegan media's propaganda. It was the entire federal government. Michael "Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job" Brown, then director of the ironically titled claim to love animals and Arabs, loved pointing out that before coming to FEMA, Brownie was employed at the AHA—excuse, the Arabian Horse Association, for the layman.
Well the AHA is a really important entity, and, as its website points out, provides many "opportunities for you to tap into the Arabian horse lifestyle." And overseeing horse competitions is a really challenging job, which is why, I'm sure, Brownie was asked to resign from it. And the logical next step in that professional trajectory is to become the director of FEMA. Where's the cronyism there? And you know, Brownie did the best he could, given the circumstances. As the universally respected Donald Rumsfeld would, I'm sure, say, "You don't fight a hurricane with the federal government you want. You fight it with the federal government you have. And let's face it, it's not like we have the resources and infrastructure of a country like, say, Cuba. Because the last time Cuba had a category 5 hurricane, nobody died. They have 5 islands on the entire island of Cuba, and they were able to evacuate 1.5 million people as well as their television sets, refrigerators, and live stock.

And The Yes Men, through their sick Katrina-related HUDest stunt, have banged , yet another nail into the already crucified Bush administration with their hammer and sickle of propaganda.

I first heard of the Yes Men when I was working for the Bush Campaign back in 2004. I was volunteering in Ohio, removing people's names from voting rosters. I was thrilled to meet the so-called "Yes Bush Can" team that was traveling around the country. I immediately clicked with these seemingly like-minded Bush supporters and enthusiastically signed their petition to draft prisoners to fight our wars. I also signed their Patriot Pledge, pledging to accept global warming and live with its minor side effects; remain celibate until marriage; and once married never divorce. You can imagine how upset I was when I found out it was a hoax. I felt violated and victimized. I could certainly sympathize with

Halliburton, the WTO, Dow Chemical and the countless other defenseless corporations who fell victim to the senseless shenanigans of these left wing hooligans.

and so, it is my great dishonor to present the Yes Men.

President Bush: Please Stay the Course! (An open letter to the President)

Dear Mr. President,

Please tell me that the "comrades" over at the New York Times are lying (as usual) when they write you are abandoning your "Stay the Course" catch phrase.


During this time of violence, change and uncertainty, I've been comforted by being certain of 3 things

1) The War in Iraq is making us safer
2) Republicans are protecting us from the gays
3) We are going to stay the course in Iraq, and you are going to remind us of this at least 5 times a day. (Statistically, every time you say "Stay the Course" a terrorist drops his weapons)



Well, I feel like my world has been turned upside down. The intelligence community says the war in Iraq is creating MORE terrorism. Dennis Hastert, seen here in his "so sue me" pose, didn't do anything when he found out Mark "Flamer" Foley was flaming after young pages. And you, sir, are cutting and running on your commitment to staying the course. Please stay the course on "stay the course." If I liked Flip Floppers, I would have removed people who were going to vote for you-- not Kerry-- from Ohio rosters. Duh!

Either way, I will not cut and run on you O Commander-in-chief, my Commander-in-chief. You will have my vote in 2008! We have a saying down in Texas: "This elephant don't bleed."

Only racists know the difference between Sunni and Shiite Muslims

Yesterday, Jeff Stein's New York Times op-ed criticized the good men and women of Congress and the FBI for being unable to distinguish between Shiite and Sunni Muslims.

The chief of the FBI's new national security branch explains the difference thusly: "The basics goes back to their beliefs and who they were following. And the conflicts between the Sunnis and the Shia and the difference between who they were following." Sounds good to me. The Chief thought that Iran and Hezbolla were Sunni. Turns out they're not. Big deal! So sue him!

Alabama Republican Congressman Terry Everett, who is vice chairman of the House intelligence subcommittee on technical and tactical intelligence, says the difference between the two groups is "One's in one location, another's in another location. No, to be honest with you, I don't know. I thought it was differences in their religion, different families or something."

Jo Ann Davis, a Virginia Republican who heads a House intelligence subcommittee charged with overseeing the C.I.A.'s performance in recruiting Islamic spies and analyzing information, doesn't really know the difference but acknowledges, "You know, I should." Like a true American patriot, she goes with her gut and tries to define the difference anyway: "It's a difference in their fundamental religious beliefs. The Sunni are more radical than the Shia. Or vice versa. But I think it's the Sunnis who're more radical than the Shia."

Jeff Stein is just showing off how much he knows about the boring and irrelevant minutiae of the Muslim world. From the looks of his last name, I'd say he has an unfair advantage. He obviously hails from the desert originally and thus comes from a people who used to run into Shiites and Sunnis. I assume.

The more important point, however, is that these FBI agents and Republican members of Congress should be commended for ignoring the difference between Sunnis and Shiites. They refuse to buy into the ancient rivalry which violently divides Muslims today. These officials are ethnic-blind. I should know because I myself am color blind. When Stephen Colbert and I see a person, we don't see black or white, hispanic or other. We see AMERICAN. (This, of course, is why affirmative action is RACIST.)

Similarly, when real Americans look at a person who lives over there in the Middle East, they don't see Shiite or Sunni. They see an Arab/ Muslim/ Islamic person who speaks a language we can't understand and overreacts to cartoons and stuff. Perhaps the best example of an ethnic-blind American patriot is Trent Lott. If you look past his pro-segregation/Strom Thurmond stance , which liberals never do (get over it!), you see he's one of the most color blind people out there. And here's what he has to say about the Sunni/Shiite hoopla: "It's hard for Americans, all of us, including me, to understand what's wrong with these people. Why do they hate each other? Why do Sunnis kill Shiites? How do they tell the difference? They all look the same to me."

I thought LWWB's (Left-Wing Wing-Bats) like Jeff Stein and the New York Times would like this since they're all into equal rights and stuff. But I guess
not. I guess the old saying is true: "Scratch a liberal, and you'll find an ethnicist." Shame on you, Jeff Stein and New York Times. And congratulations FBI, members of Congress, and especially Trent Lott for being real Americans who judge a man not by the color of his skin or the prophet he follows, but by whether he's with us or against us in the war on terror! Thank you for realizing Martin Luther King's dream.

new gingrich "comes out" for gay rights

Newt Gingrich has, yet again, proven himself as an advocate for gay rights. Newt rightly argued that if Republicans had actually done something about Congressman Foley's "over-friendly" overtures towards a 16-year-old male page, they would "have been accused of gay bashing."

Newt certainly has his finger on the pulse, limp-wristed as it is, of the gay community. Some of my best friends are homosexuals (Log Cabin Republicans, obviously) and every time a pedophile is prosecuted they scream "Stop the gaybashing! I feel like I was just bashed!"


We've always known Newt was an F.O.T.G. (Friend of the gays). He's stood by them and defended their interests, without them even knowing it. Arguing for a constitutional ban on gay marriage, Newt has fought to protect the gays from the bourgeois and mundane institution of marriage that he experienced and suffered. Married life was so tedious for Newt, which is why he served his really annoying wife divorce
papers when she was diagnosed with cancer. Ever the free spirit, Newt demanded a divorce from his second wife (on mother's day) and married his former congressional aid, with whom he was having an affair.

So gays, please thank Newt for standing up for you, for protecting you from gay bashing and from gay marriage.

an open letter to condie (girl talk)

Dear Condie,
I feel really bad that Bob Woodward is picking on you in his new book, State of Denial. It must suck to have the world know that you ignored George Tenet's warning of an Al-Qaeda attack and dropped the ball on 9/11. Initially, you responded by denying having met with Tenet and said the suggestion that you would ignore a terrorist threat was "incomprehensible." But, as a State Department spokesman revealed, it turns out that you did meet with Tenet two months before 9/11 and he did express his fear of an imminent attack.

Now Condie, I was surprised and disappointed. You are a sharp woman and have a good memory, so why the discrepancy? But now that I realize what happened, my heart goes out to you. The answer was in the very book which seeks to crucify you. According to Woodward, Donald Rumsfeld was so bad about returning your phone calls, that Bush had to intervene and tell his Secretary of Defense to call you back. So of course you were distracted. You were heart broken and obsessing over a man who was ignoring you. We've all been there. And it certainly doesn't help when the guy not calling back is one of People Magazine's sexiest men.

So, Condie, if I were you, I would stop thinking about Rummy and start thinking about national security. I bet the second you start ignoring the Secretary of Defense, and stop ignoring warnings from the head of the CIA, Rummy will be calling you 24/7. That's just the way guys are. It's sad but true.

Keep up the good work and call me if you want more advice,
Katie