Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Laughing Liberally @ Town Hall this Saturday, Feb 4


A long time ago I asked my dear friend Corky St. Clair (see attachment)
"What does this [Laughing Liberally show] mean, Corky?"
And he responded "It means we may be going to Broadway!" And Corky, as
usual, was right.

So come celebrate Alito's confirmation at Laughing Liberally on Broadway. For real. At Town Hall. And we just found out that Mort Saul, the
grandfather of political comedy, is making an introductory video for us!

Bring your friends and fam and feel free to forward the e-mail!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sat Feb 4th
8:30
$15

xo,
Katie

Come see the public kickoff event of Laughing Liberally, a comedy show that sets out to "save democracy, one laugh at a time" at Town Hall in New York City. The show will feature established and emerging comic voices of the left, as well as video and musical segments.

Laughing Liberally at Town Hall promises to be a two hour romp of smart comedy and entertainment.

N.B. A seating section will be reserved for indicted politicians and their lawyers.

FEATURING:
Rick Overton (Dennis Miller Live),
Jim David (Tough Crowd),
Julie Goldman (HBO's Sopranos & VH-1),
Dean Obeidallah (Air America & Winner of Spirit of Bill Hicks Award),
with Katie Halper & Baratunde Thurston
Videos by DNEXT.com and MoveOn.org
Music with Jamie Jackson
With an introduction by Mort Saul

Tickets: $15-50
Buy Online: http://laughingliberally.com/tickets/index.html
Phone Charge: 212-730-2423
Tickets can also be purchased at The Town Hall Box Office (123 W. 43rd Street)from 12pm-6pm Monday-Saturday.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Alito's Cock: Additional reporting by Beth Baltimore


It is surely a testament to his weighty intellect, or big head, that Samuel Alito's head is constantly cocked. The judge is incapable of keeping a straight head. He is cockheaded. I did some research and found that he started cocking his head as a young boy. You won't believe me, but this is a photo of Alito has a young cocked-head Alito.


As you can see, Alito has maintained this cocked posture over the years.




Alito bit of courtroom drama


What exactly was going through Martha Anne Alito’s head when she burst into tears and ran out of her husband’s hearing? We may never know. But I have a few ideas. In order to fully understand how the tragic story transpired, we must look back at Alito’s paper trail. Unlike John Roberts, Samuel Alito left a treasure trove of incriminating documents. Alito wrote in a 1985 memo, for example, that he “personally believed very strongly” that "the Constitution does not protect a right to an abortion.”

He was proud enough of his membership in Concerned Alumni of Princeton (an organization that was so opposed to the admission of women and minorities, Bill Frist made sure to distance himself from it) to include it on a job application. Always judicous, fair and legal minded, Alito is equally dismissive of women and people of color. He even wrote: "I am particularly proud of my contributions in recent cases in which the government argued that racial and ethnic quotas should not be allowed and that the Constitution does not protect a right to an abortion."

Alito had an understandably difficult time answering the questions posed to him by the Democrat senators on the judicial committee. When Chuck Schumer asked Alito if he still he believed that abortion was not protected by The Constitution, Alito could do nothing but evade the question and talk in circles.


SEN. CHARLES SCHUMER:
Judge Alito, in 1985 you wrote that “the Constitution” -- these are your words -- “does not protect a right to an abortion.” And you said… that those words accurately reflected your view at the time. Now let me ask you, do they accurately reflect your view today? Do you stand by that statement? Do you disavow it? Do you embrace it?


JUDGE SAMUEL ALITO: Senator, it was an accurate statement of my views at the time. That was in 1985, and I made it from my vantage point as an attorney in the Solicitor General's office, but it was an expression of what I thought at that time. If the issue were to come before me as a judge, if I'm confirmed, and if this issue were to come up, the first question that would have to be addressed is the question of stare decisis, which I've discussed earlier, and it's a very important doctrine, and that was the starting point and the ending point of the joint opinion in Casey. And then, if I were to get beyond that, if the court were to get beyond the issue of stare decisis, then I would have to go through the whole judicial decision-making process before reaching a conclusion.

SEN. CHARLES SCHUMER: But, sir, I am not asking you about stare decisis. I'm not asking you about cases. I'm asking you about this: the United States Constitution. As far as I know, it's the same as it was in 1985, with the exception of the 27th Amendment, which has nothing to do with what we're talking about. Regardless of case law, in 1985 you stated -- you stated it proudly, unequivocally, without exception -- that the Constitution does not protect a right to an abortion. Do you believe that now?

JUDGE SAMUEL ALITO: The answer to the question is that I would address that issue in accordance with the judicial process, as I understand it and as I have practiced it. That's the only way I can answer that question.

SEN. CHARLES SCHUMER: Well, okay, I know you're not going to answer the question. I didn't expect really that you would, although I think it would be important that you would. I think it's part of your obligation to us that you do, particularly that you stated it once before, so any idea that you're approaching this totally fresh, without any inclination or bias, goes by the wayside. But I do have to tell you, Judge, your refusal I find troubling.


Even more embarrassing, was Alito’s “response” to Senator Leahy’s questions about the judge’s membership in Concerned Alumni of Princeton (CAP)

SEN. PATRICK LEAHY: “[y]ou proudly, in 1985… in your job application proudly put that you were a member of it, a member of Concerned Alumni at Princeton University… why, in heaven's name, Judge, with your background and what your father faced, why in heaven's name were you proud of being part of C.A.P.?

JUDGE SAMUEL ALITO: Well, Senator, I have racked my memory about this issue, and I really have no specific recollection of that organization. But since I put it down on that statement, then I certainly must have been a member at that time. But if I had been actively involved in the organization in any way, if I had attended meetings or been actively involved in any way, I would certainly remember that. And I don't.

Wow Judge Alito! That makes Clinton’s “I did not inhale excuse” look totally legitimate. It’s almost as good as your excuse for not recusing yourself from a case involving the Vanguard Group a company in which you held $390,000 in mutual funds: a “computer glitch”!

The only thing Alito could do besides lie and evade the questions was remind the senators that he came from a hard working Italian/ Italian-American family. We know. You’ve told us this before. I can recite Samuel Sr. and Rose’s biographies by heart. We know you’re Italian-American. We’ve seen your wife’s suits.

So Alito can’t defend himself. And the Republicans on the committee can’t offer any real evidence to challenge the damning claims of the Democrats. So the Republican senators have adopted a two prong strategy.

1) Hyperbolize everything that the democrats have said

2) Turn the hyperbole into the form of a rhetorical question AND actually have Alito give an answer, thus rendering the question unrhetorical.

Examples include Senator Orin Hatch’ slamming Alito with the tough question: “So let me just ask you directly, on the record, are you against women and minorities attending colleges?” To which Alito, surprisingly, responded “Absolutely not, Senator, no." A sceptical Hatch replied: "Now, I felt that that would be your answer, I really did. It's a good question though, it's one that kind of overcomes the implications that you were."

Lindsey Graham’s questions were responsible for Mrs. Alito’s breakdown. Graham reamed Alito with, "Are you really a closet bigot?" The good Judge said "I am not any kind of bigot. I'm not.” And Graham finished with: "No, sir, you're not.... You seem to be a decent, honorable man." Hearing someone call your husband an “honarable” “decent” man would make even the most stoic of women cry.






But really, how stupid is Alito’s wife if she fails to realize that Lindsey Graham doesn’t REALLY think her husband’s a bigot? That he’s making fun of the DEMOCRATS’ claim that Alito is a bigot, and defending him as “decent and honorable.”

There are only two possible scenarios to explain Mrs. Alito’s outburst.

1) Knowing her husband bigoted ways better than anyone else, she heard the word “bigot,” doesn’t know that Graham is a Republican, has never encountered sarcasm, assumed her husband was finally being outed, and freaked out because now she would never be Mrs. Supreme Court.

2) This was a sinister plan gone all wrong. Knowing that his bigotry is well documented in court cases, memos, statements etc. Alito came up with a strategy to deflect attention from his bigotry. The plan was hatched as follows

ALITO: “You and I both know I’m a bigot. But that can’t get into the news. So we have to cause some kind of distraction whenever anyone accuses me of being racist, sexist or bigotted.”

MRS. ALITO: “I could start a fire, judge.”

MRS. ALITO: “No Mrs. Alito, you cannot start a fire. You’ll be sitting behind me during the hearings and if you started a fire you’d be caught on camera. The husband of a pyronmaniac could never get confirmed. I know, whenever you hear the word racist, sexist, or bigot, burst into tears and run out of the room. It will be a great distraction. And we’ll win sympathy points.”


But the usually thorough judge was not strict enough in his language. What he needed to say was “Whenever you hear the word racist, sexist, or bigot, from the mouth of a Democratic senator speaking in earnest, and keep your eye on Kennedy in particular, burst into tears and run out of the room. But don’t do anything if you hear the word racist, sexist, or bigot, from the mouth of a Republican senator speaking in jest.
So when Mrs. Alito heard the word bigot come out of Senator Graham’s mouth, she, as programmed, burst into tears and ran out of the room.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

How to rock it like Joe Biden



Judge Alito’s hearing gives us so much to talk about. But let’s start with the most pressing, newsworthy, dramatic issue: Joe Biden’s hair. What is up wit the Delaware senator’s hair? It’s insane. It’s OOC (out of control). To attain the coiff, which I’m coining the JB, you must do the following

1) tease your hair
2) comb it forward
3) comb it back
4) flip out the back with a blow dryer or curling iron

I was a little nervous that the JB would be ruined when Biden put on a Princeton Tigers hat during the hearing. But the great thing about the JB is that it looks fantastic in a hat, and is immune to hat head syndrome.






A similar hairdo can be found on Al Sharpton. Let’s hope this shared hairdo represents a new united front among democrats.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Thank G_d for Bill O’Reilly


I assume that if you are reading this you are anti-war. I'm sure that we are all actively fighting against the war on christmas. But even the most committed crusader can get overwhelmed during the holiday, I mean CHRISTmas season. You're wiped out, you're tired, you're running around shopping and spending time with our families and spouses (NOT with our “partners” “significant others” etc.) Who has the time or energy to keep track of where people stand on the war? Luckily, the prestigious, meticulous investigative reporter Bill O’Reilly finds the truth so that we don't have to.

(Christmas has passed, but you can use this as a guide for Christmas next year-- if the holiday is still around-- and for every day shopping.)

The brave anti-spin pro-Christmas journalist tells us which stores refuse to say Merry Christmas and insist on saying Happy Holidays or even Seasons Greetings. This is Bill’s warning of where such godless advertising can lead

[B]ecause if you look at what happened in Western Europe and Canada, if you can get religion out, then you can pass secular progressive programs, like legalization of narcotics, euthanasia, abortion at will, gay marriage, because the objection to those things is religious-based, usually.


Which is why we must support stores with Merry Christmas signs and picket in front of, divest from, and shut down stores with less Christian greetings.

O’Reilly lays out the methodology behind his study: “We continue our reporting on which American stores are using "Christmas" in advertising this Christmas season and which are not.”
O’Reilly divides the stores into two categories: “using” and “not using” the word Christmas. If stores do not respond to O’Reilly’s inquiry, they are placed in the “not using category”

So far, here's the list. OK, using -- you can see JCPenney's, Macy's, Bloomingdale's, Dillard's. Not using, there they are. Now, Kohl's, still giving us a hard time, but their advertising has been all "Happy Holidays" so I don't know what they want. The company says the clerks are free to say "Merry Christmas." Yeah, OK, that's nice. Again, this investigation is designed to spotlight retailers who have knocked the word "Christmas" out of the Christmas season. We're not too interested with the word "merry." Don't really care about "merry."


Especially scary is the revelation that toy stores are “not using.” We are dealing with an enemy that is so sick and perverse it is trying to take Christmas away from the Children:

“On the toy store front, here's what we found out. Toys "R" Us simply is not going to answer our questions, so we assume that means they're not using "Merry Christmas." Not using for sure, KB Toys and FAO Schwarz.

In summary, we CAN and MUST shop at
JCPenney's, Macy's, Bloomingdale's, Dillard's

We CANNOT and MUST NOT shop at
Kohl's
Toys "R" Us
KB Toys
FAO Schwarz

But if you’re really in a crunch, shop at FAO Schwarz before Toys R Us and KB toys because at least “FAO Schwarz says that their people in the store can shout "Merry Christmas" as loud as they want.”

If you really want to put your money where your mouth is and support Christmas as well as a pro-Christmas martyr/ warrior, you can always shop at the O’Reilly Store (AKA The O’Reilly Christmas store, during Christmas)at http://www.billoreilly.com/store
That way you’re defending two things endangered species being hunted down by gay Jewish liberal secularists: Christmas and Straight White Men.

At the on-line O’Reilly store you’ll find great gifts like the No-Spin MiroFiber jacket, No Spin polo,
The O’Reilly Factor Tote bag, and the must-have “What say you” t-shirt. The “Spin Stops Here Tin filled with soft mint puffs” is sure to please.
If you’re shopping for someone with a sense of humor be sure to get them the hysterical “don’t be a pinhead” bumper sticker. And if you’re shopping for an entire family why not buy a hat set with a “no Spin Dad” hat for dad and a “No Spin Grandpa” from gramps. Unfortunately, there are no “No Spin mom” or “No Spin Grandma” hats, but chances are they’d prefer a tote bag or the soft pint puffs.

Need to shop for the kids? No problem. They’ll love the Bill O’Reilly Jigsaw puzzle, and they’ll love getting tucked into a Spin stops here fleece blanket. And the youth go crazy over The O’Reilly Factor for Kids, especially autographed hardcover copies.

When ordering for the kids, make sure you don’t buy Bill’s moving and memorable thriller “Those who Trespass” because it contains some inappropriate passages.

Stripping off her bathing-suit, she walked into the huge shower. She pulled the lime green curtain across the entrance and then set the water for a tepid 75-degrees. The spray felt great against her skin as she ducked her head underneath the nozzle. Closing her eyes she concentrated on the tingling sensation of water flowing against her body. Suddenly another sensation entered. Ashley felt two large hands wrap themselves around her breasts and hot breathe on the back of her neck. She opened her eyes wide and giggled, "I thought you drowned out there snorkel man."

Tommy O'Malley was naked and at attention. "Drowning is not an option", he said, "unless of course you beg me to perform unnatural acts right here in this shower.


Merry Christmas!