3 Open letters in support of H.R. 4437

Politics makes strange bedfellows, sometimes literally, and sometimes figuratively. We’re all charmed by the way Republican spin doctor Mary Matalin and Democrat Spin Doctor James Carville have overcome their ideological differences through pure unadulterated sexual chemistry. Let’s be honest, people, who among us could resist her beady eyes, and almost invisible lips, and his smooth cranium and teasingly tinted glasses. We were all moved by the lovers’ spat between Teddy Kennedy and Arlen Spector we were treated to during the Alito trial, when the two opposing senators argued over letters sent, unanswered, and/ or lost, and visits to the White House gym locker room. So it comes as no surprise that H.R. 4437: Border Protection, Antiterrorism, and Illegal Immigration Control Act of 2005, has united a seemingly incompatible army of opposition, which includes the usually sensible President Bush, much of the communist leaning clergy, and the always shrill immigrants’ rights community. HR 4437 was passed by the House. But it still needs to pass the Senate. I have broken down the argument for HR4437 into three parts. Each part is specifically tailored to one of the members of what I like to call the “coalition of the unwilling.” And by unwilling I mean, those unwilling to save America.

President Bush: fight the war on terror

Dear President Bush,
First of all, I know and admire the fact that you are a man of action, not a man of words, who prefers clearing brush to reading. So I hope this letter reaches you, or at least that a summary of the letter reaches you in the form of a PDB (presidential Daily briefing.) I sincerely hope this letter isn’t brushed aside as a “historical document”. I also know you are a man who takes national security seriously. Which is why you must support this “anti-terrorism” bill. Of course not all Mexicans are bad
people. And they do make great food. But they have historically posed a threat to our national security. They have committed acts of violence and acts of terror throughout history. I know I don’t need to remind you of the horrible events of 4/25/1846, when Mexicans attacked U.S. troupes south of the Texas border, starting America’s first war on terror, also known as the Mexican American War. Or the perpetual anti-American Montezuma’s revenge campaign that Mexico continues to launch against our values and our bowels. We can’t just sit back while Mexican aliens plot their next attack in the U.S. What will it take to convince you to take this threat seriously, Mr. President? I fear that by the time you realize the gravity of the situation it will be too late. A group of undocumented and exploited Mexican gardeners will have already driven their lawnmowers into the pentagon.

Love,
Katie





Clergy: What would Jesus Do?
Dear Clergy,
As you know this bill makes it a crime for any social services workers (social workers, advocates, Clergy) to provide services, shelter, or transportation to illegal aliens. Thank G_d!

I ask you, what would Jesus do? There is no evidence whatsoever that Jesus would have supported an amnesty policy for immigrants. The New Testament shows Jesus fraternizing with prostitutes, dining with sinners, healing lepers. If Jesus wanted to show us that immigration was a good thing, wouldn’t he have cured an immigrant? Wouldn’t he have hired an immigrant to clean his feet? Wouldn’t he have broken tortilla with an immigrant family? One could argue that Jesus himself was an immigrant, wandering from Jerusalem, to Galilee, to Nazareth, to Bethlehem. But Jesus was special. He had certain rights that immigrants don’t. When I meet an immigrant who can walk on water, then I’ll be convinced he deserves entry into our great country. It will also make it much easier for him to enter the country, because he won’t have to swim.

So clergy members, when an immigrant arrives on your doorstep, ask yourself WWJD. Do the Christian thing: turn him away, and spread the gospel to the INS. Besides you’re actually helping the immigrant. We all know that it’s easier for a camel to pass through the eye of the needle than it is for a rich man to go through the gates of heaven. If we deport the immigrants, they’ll have no chance of upward mobility, it will be impossible for them to escape poverty and become middle class, let alone rich. And only then will they have a chance to get into heaven. So really, by deporting an immigrant, you’re giving him the greatest gift possible: salvation.

Love,
Katie


Everyone else opposed to HR (Immigrant activists and communists and liberals and gays and Jews): Don’t be hypocrites

Dear deviants,
I know you all love to travel to Mexico, to site see, to take language immersion classes, to celebrate the solstice, work with the Zapatistas in Chiapas etc. You leave the United States and go to Mexico because it’s fun, right? Well, why shouldn’t Mexicans be allowed/ forced to leave the United States too? Why shouldn’t they be allowed/ forced to go to Mexico for some r and r? Besides, would you be happy if all the Mexicans came here? No Mexicans would be there to teach you Spanish. No indigenous communities would be struggling for self determination. In other words, you’d have no excuse to visit Mexico. Your vacation plans would be ruined. So don’t be a hypocrite. You know you like being in Mexico and so should the Mexicans. And you know you wouldn’t like Mexico if there weren’t any Mexicans there.

Sincerely,
Katherine Rose Halper