Hey Shane, It's Katie, Bette's friend

Dear Shane,
Hi, it's me Katie, Bette's friend. I'm sure Bette has already told you about me and that we've been writing back and forth, and that our conversations have been really helpful. I gave her some great advice and she followed it and seems to be doing really well. So I hope you don't mind, but I wanted to give you some advice too.

Shane, I think you're really cool. You're a really solid, great friend. If I didn't have Bette to turn to in times of need, I would definitely choose you (or Alice).

You've really pulled yourself together. Your hair is looking god and you're dressing well. Thank the lord almighty that you ditched that longer awkward farrah fawcettesque but stringy shag, and threw out that long sleeved lace up shirt with a plunging v-neck. You wore that shirt all the time. And it just wasn't you. It was pretty painful to look at. As Lesbianologist Liz Dahmen once pointed out, "bad girls don't wear shirts like that." They certainly don't. Not that you're a bad person Shane, just a "bad girl" in that sexy mischievous way.

I'm a little nervous about your weight, but Bette assures you that you eat like a horse. And I trust Bette.

Shane, I'm not writing to you because I think you may be anorexic.

I'm writing to you because I think your relationship with "Carmen de la pica Morales" is unhealthy.

The other night when you were "distracted," I think I know why. I think on an intuitive level you know that Carmen is not being totally honest with you.

This is really hard for me to tell you this… but Carmen's been lying to you. She's not even Mexican. She's Iranian.
Or Persian, whichever you prefer. She's even related to the Shah. I'm not kidding. This ethnicity helps explain why her accent is so bad when she speaks to her "madre" in Spanish, and why she looks nothing like her relatives. Shane, it's not your fault. Don't blame yourself. You don't speak Spanish. How could you know? (But now that I've told you, it did sound a lot like farsi, didn't it?)

She's also lying about her gold star (never been with a man) status. Carmen was a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. You find me a gold star former cheerleader, and I'll find a bridge to sell you. But then again Shane, let's be honest, you're not quite as golden as you'd like to think. You show me a former prostitute who pretends to be a boy for male johns, and I'll show you another bridge to buy.

I don't know if I should tell you this, but Carmen is rubbing your face in her penchant for penis. The spanish name she made up literally means "Carmen of the dick Morales." No joke.

Carmen also had a nose job, as confirmed by Negin Farsad, who has seen that exact model on several Persian faces. So basically, even Carmen's face is a lie.

Not only is Carmen a dishonest fake, pseudo Mexican, self loathing Persian, who has know she's as dumb as a bag of bricks. She doesn't understand that you can't blame somebody for something you dreamed that they did. She literally doesn't get that you didn't do what she dreamed you did. She thinks you went into her head when she was sleeping and had sex with Sherry.

If you need to reach me, Bette has my info.

Take care Shane,
Katie

Hey Bette, It's Katie (again)

Bette,
Sorry I'm just writing you now. I've been really busy. We have a lot of catching up to do.

First of all, you are such naughty girl. I can't believe you did that to Alice in the opera. You never told me. It must have been before we were friends.

It's so nice when a friend listens to one's advice. So thank you for letting me help you. I now how pig-headed you can be (that's why I love you) so it means even more to me that you're taking my advice. I've outlined the 3 most important Katie-induced changes below

A) keeping that gorgeouse mint green shirt you bought for yoga. You looked great in it when you wore it to the planet last weekend. I tend to not mix my yoga and non yoga clothes, but you can get away with it. You can get away with anything as far as I'm concerned. And if you want me to tell that to tina, I will. Now just to clarify, you CAN wear the strapless green satin bra under your shirt when you are NOT doing yoga. When you wear the shirt out, we'll call it "planet mode" then the strapless is fine. But don't let me catch you doing any exercise in a strapless.

B) I'm not positive, but it looks like you followed my other yoga related advice, and went out and bought yourself a decent sports bra. When I saw you today with those new age-y and Asian people at the Yoga retreat in Washington you looked supported. But you were just walking around in circles so I can't be sure. When I see you do a downward facing dog or a warrior pose I'll be able to make a better judgement.


C) You're not taking crap for Tina. Today you really put your foot down. How dare she visit your sister without your permission. It was so nice of you to give her Kit-visitation rights.


Speaking of Kit, I don't have her info but could you tell her your friend Katie thinks she should stop straightening her hair. I know she's going through a hard time with menopause on the one hand and a young white man on the other, but the irony is that she looks older with her hair straightened. She needs to re-embrace the curl (beleive me, I myself have been there.) Tell her how great my advice to you was, and she'll probably be really receptive.


Speak soon,
Katie

Help Ted!

This schizophrenic whether has been making me think a lot about global warming, even though the scientific jury is still out on "whether" it really exists. It's also been making me think a lot about one of my favorite Senators ever. Ted Stevens. I'm worried about Ted. He's been losing a noble and uphill battle to legalize drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Preserve for 25 long years.

And the frustration with the Senate’s inability to recognize the need for killing polar bears is taking its toll on this great Senator. The last time the Senate stopped a bill that would have permitted this drilling, a defeated Stevens opened up his heart to the American people: "I'm seriously depressed, unfortunately, clinically depressed. And I've been told that's because I've been at this too long." As much as it would have pained me to see Stevens step down, as much as I would miss seeing the Incredible Hulk tie he wears on the days the Senate votes on his bills, perhaps, I thought, it was indeed time for Stevens to spend less time in the public sphere fighting for his country and more time on his personal life, treating his own clinical depression.


Things have only gotten worse for Ted. When Ted's bill to allow for drilling, which he carefully tucked into a defense budget bill, failed in December, his depression returned. He said, "This is the saddest day of my life." This guy lived through the Depression, fought in World War II, and lost his 1st wife. But he is so selflessly committed TO doing what is in the best interest of his country, and not in his own self interest, that for this noble Senator, the saddest day of his life was when the Senate announced it would not open up the wildlife reserve to drilling for oil. I was sure that Ted Stevens would finally step down and treat the depression that had clutched him for the 37 years he has been in the senate when I heard him say: "It's a day I don't want to remember. I say goodbye to the Senate tonight. Thank you very much."

But Senator Stevens is a fighter and he returned to the senatorial ring stronger than ever. The last time Senate voted against Stevens' anti- polar bear bill the senator promised revenge: "You bet your bottom dollar I'll remember [this vote]. If I ever give my word, I keep it. I'm mad enough to eat nails right now, to have people not keep their word to me."

And this time Stevens is starting an information campaign to shame those who dared vote against his brilliant endeavor to drill for oil in a nature reserve in his own state: “I’m going to go to every one of your states, and I'm going to tell them what you've done. This was wrong."

But Senator Stevens cannot do this alone. He needs our help. I'm organizing a Ted Stevens Save the Bill to kill wildlife campaign.

Here are the ways you can help

1) Send donations towards the Ted-mobile, a hummer covered in polar bear fur which Ted will drive in from state to state.


2) Send gas donations, because this Ted-mobile is a real gas guzzler

3) send a card I'm encouraging all people who stand with senator Stevens to send him cards of sympathy, for the death of his bill, as well as cards of encouragement, support, and appreciation so that he will continue to struggle for what is right, what is good.

Separated at birth: rob corddry and leisha hailey

A personal Plea to Bette Porter

Dear Bette,
I am your biggest fan. You are smart, beautiful, sexy, loyal, principled, and strong. Like a fine wine, you have only improved with age and you’re even more stunning today than you were 20 years ago when you worked as a welder/exotic dancer in Pittsburg.

Your sister is a mess,
but your late father was Ossie Davis, which is pretty impressive and which explains your principles and your concern with social justice. Even your flaws are your strengths. Who doesn’t love the vein under your eye that bulges slightly when you’re sad or angry? And don’t even get me started on those smoldering doe eyes. You’re so much prettier than all of your friends. Look at how you outshine your friend Jenny, who is an annoying pretentious troll who thinks she's cool because she wears ugly glasses on purpose, by the way, and who doesn’t deserve your friendship. You are so smart, you totally kicked ass when you testified in congress about freedom of speech and art.

It is because I love you so much, that I feel like I have to be totally honest with you. I’m worried about you Bette. Are you OK? I’m very disturbed by the way Tina is treating you. I’ve never understood your relationship. You are so much cooler than Tina. Physically, intellectually, you are so out of her league. I’ve kept my mouth shut about Tina for the last 3 years. Because even though she is stupid, boring, and not hot, at least she was a supportive and nice, boring, stupid, not hot partner to you. But this is no longer the case. For the 1st time in the seven year history of your relationship, Tina is the breadwinner.
Well Bette, I think that’s fair. You’ve been supporting Tina for all these years. Even your family fotos (see above) capture how Tina has leaned on you for all these years. She should feel what it’s like to take care of her partner and you deserve to be taken care of for once. Unfortunately, Tina is acting like a spoiled bratty ingrate.

Bette, I’m really glad you’ve started doing yoga. I think it is really going to help you clear your head. And you totally deserve that nice mint green yoga shirt that Tina hassled you about. Instead of telling Tina to shove it, you took off the shirt. I was disappointed that you capitulated. This is not the Bette Porter I know and love. But even more disturbing was seeing that you were wearing a mint green satin strapless bra. Bette, you are too smart and practical to wear a strapless bra to do yoga. Buy yourself a sport bra, for god’s sake. And don’t let me find you doing aerobics in a strapless bra. You have a great rack but gravity is gravity and even your set will not survive. Look at these gems! (lesbians, close your eyes. This picture was taken before Bette realized she was a lesbian, so whatever.)

Bette, after you buy yourself a sports bra and do some yoga, please call Senator Barbara Grisham and go visit her in Washington. If there’s as much chemistry between the two of you as I think there is, move to DC. You deserve a partner who is your intellectual equal, who is socially and politically engaged and committed, not some airhead who hasn’t worked in years and who got her job because the woman she was sleeping with gave it to her. And if you get that job in the Whitney, which you totally deserve, you can go back and forth between D.C. and New York.

And what is Tina thinking? What was that broach she was wearing when she was driving around in the golf cart on the film set? I know he’s confused and missing the ole hot beef injection, but really. Our good friend SB thinks this was Tina’s “straight outfit.” I don’t even know.

Anyway Bette… That’s it. I hope I haven’t offended you. But friends need to be honest with their friends and the people they love. If you come to New York for interviews for the Whitney, or if you just want to visit, you can totally stay with me. E-mail or call me.

Love,
Katie

Let's Tawk About Sex on Feb 13

Don't spend the day before Valentines Day Alone...

Red Diaper Baby Presents
Ante-Valentines Day
Katie Halper
with special guests Negin Farsad and Una Osato
Celebrate the day before Valentines day ("ante-Valentines Day" get it?) with stories of love, woe, sex and... OBGYNs

Monday Feb 13 @ 8PM
@ The Tank @ 279 Church (btwn white and franklin)
$5