What About Bob (Novak)?

Robert Novak has been unfairly criticized for outing CIA operative Valerie Plame. Liberals have said that Novak outed Plame by writing that she had arranged for her husband Joe Wilson to go to Niger, to get back at Joe Wilson for claiming that there was, in fact, no uranium in Niger. But as usual, the liberals from John Stewart who has dubbed Novak "The Douche Bag of Liberty, to my parents, who live in the liberal crack house that is the Upper West Side, are missing the truth which is right in front their faces: Robert Novak is a whistle blower. He should be commended, and not chastised. Robert Novak has exposed yet another case of nepotism, string pulling, corruption that has become so endemic to Washington. Now, people will thing twice before they use their connections to get to go on unpaid, fact-finding missions, to impoverished, famine-ridden, semi-arid West African countries. Mr. and Mrs. Wilson: Shame on you! Mr. Novak: good for you!

5 reasons why liberals should be happy with John Roberts

1) Roberts is Nice

A nice judge is hard to find. Yet Bush has managed to find a judge whom everyone can agree is nice. And as any jurist knows, niceness is the most important, fundamental, critical qualification for a Supreme Court justice. Liberals care about feelings and all that. So you should be happy that Bush has appointed such a sensitive man for the job. I, for one, am extremely relieved that John Roberts will be careful not to hurt women's feeling when he overturns Roe v. Wade. And it is nice to know that no people of color will be made to cry when John Roberts overturns Affirmative action.

2) Roberts May not be anti-choice

I'd like to remind everyone that we don't know where John Roberts stands on the abortion issue. The left has been making an "Assumption" which, as we all know all too well, means they're making an "a*& out of you and me." It is true that John Roberts's wife is part of the organization Feminists for Life. But I was under the impression that that was a feminist group requiring a life-long membership. Roberts did write that Roe should be overruled, and yet it wasn't really Roberts who wrote that. Much like Oda Mae Brown (Whoopie Goldberg's character in Ghost), Roberts channeled that. Like any good lawyer, Roberts was merely representing the position of his client, which happened to be the U.S. government under George Bush the First. A struggling corporate lawyer. Roberts will take any case he can get, as long as it's a job that will put food on the table.

3) Roberts is a tranny

Those of you worried about gay marriage can stop worrying. John Roberts is a gender bendered. Not since Arnold's portrayal of a pregnant man in the thought provoking film "Junior" has a conservative questioned gender as much as John Roberts when played Peppermint Paddy in his high school’s production of "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown." That's right ladies and gentlemen and transgendered. John Roberts was the female lead in this play at La Lumiere, his boarding high school in Indiana. He also joined the drama club, so he could be gay too.

4) Roberts is a left wing, Nation magazine-reading, actor

John Roberts' advisor is former senator and former Nixon (during Watergate!) attorney Fred Thompson. But that's not important. What's important is that Fred Thompson is now on Law and Order. And Sam Waterston is on Law and Order. And he reads The Nation and even advertises for them (in their magazine). So subconsciously, every time Roberts hears a case, he'll (subconsciously) hear the left leaning voice of Sam Waterston. And Jack McCoy, the DA Waterston plays on Law and Order has become increasingly uncomfortable with the death penalty over the years. That's another plus for liberals.

5) Unlike the John Bolton, the other John nominated by Bush, John Roberts is not a psychopath

"Look at me/ I'm Sandra O' Day"

An open letter to Sandra day O'Connor:

Your most supreme justice O'Connor,

First of all, I want to give you props for being a woman. It's really great to have a woman on the Supreme Court. Just as Margaret Thatcher's prime ministry was a victory for all English women, you're supremacy has meant a victory for all American women. Just as Clarence Thomas champions the rights of Black people in a way that makes Thurgood Marshall look like a segregationist, and just as Antonin "Toni, Tone, Tone" Scalia, champions the rights of the all-too ignored disenfranchised Italian-Americans, (most notably by protecting them from the un-American and especially un italian-american homosexual agenda) you too have championed the rights of XY Americans.

Yet Sandra, may I call you Sandra, as your number one fan, I can't help but tell you that I think it was a rotten thing for you to step down from the Supreme Court. It's a question of common courtesy, of respecting one's elders. Your colleague William Rehnquist cannot talk. He cannot walk. He has a gaping whole in his throat. By the time this blogg entry reaches you, he may very well be dead. And yet he is chugging away at his decisions. The least you could do was wait for him to retire. I understand that you've retired to spend more time with your husband, who suffers from Alzheimer's. Sandra, I want to let you know that my grandmother has Alzheimer's, and so the disease is something very near and dear to me. And I mean no respect, and speak from experience, when I say that you're husband will not notice or remember that you're spending more time with him. Trust me on that one. But this country will notice-- and remember-- your absence from the court.

Sincerely,
Katie Day O'Halper

Gay Marriage Spanish Style

Dearest readers, fans, loved ones,

I apologize for my absence. I was away in Sunny, (now) Socialist (thanks to Spain's foine looking José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero), Spain, screening my documentary La memoria es vaga. While I was there, I had the pleasure of witnessing the legalization of gay marriage, something sadly foreign to our own U.S. of A. You know you are screwed when the country that brought you the inquisition is ahead of you on civil rights. But, as Spain's (recovering fascist) Partido Popular explains it, those who oppose gay marriage "aren't anti-gay. We're Pro-Marriage." This noble not at all contradictory statement can be applied to several situations. In fact, I've often found myself saying "I'm not anti-black. I'm pro-disenfranchisement." "I'm not anti-woman. I'm pro-stoning women to death." "I'm not anti-disabled people. I'm pro-repealing the Americans with Disabilities Act." I'm sure you've all found yourselves saying the same things.

While in Spain, I visited the Senora with whom I had stayed when I was a student in Spain. She herself has an interesting political orientation. One of my fondest memories is arriving at my senora's house years ago during my study abroad where I was greeted by a signed framed photograph of Francisco Franco (God bless his soul). During this visit, my senora updated me on her new and exciting life as a rich person who helps the poor: "I go to the church. I help the immigrants. They're generally good immigrants, good Ecuadorian immigrants. Occasionally a dishonest Muslim tries to weasel his way in there." While my senora was happy about her new found vocation as a charity giver, she was less than happy that she would have to miss the anti-gay rally taking place in Madrid. Coincidentally, she shares the nuanced position of the Partido Popular. She explained to me: "It's not that I'm not anti-gay. I'm pro-family." When I asked her why she coulnd't attend the rally, she told me she had to go to a wedding." In an attempt to cheer her up, I offered the following silver lining: "Well at least you'll be defending the family by going to a wedding." "You're right Catalina," she rejoiced. "That's true!" And I smiled as I saw my non-gay hating, family loving beam with happiness.