How to Give Your Undivided Sober Attention to Our Commander-in-Chief

(first posted on the Huffington Post)

It comes as no surprise that the people who brought you Drinking Liberally would desecrate the State of the Union address with a rowdy, deviant, irreverent game of bingo.

Do your thing, freedom-hating liberals! Ignore your president, belt down your beers, lay down your bingo chips. I've created my own fun game for people who would prefer snacking conservatively to Drinking Liberally; who want to give our undivided sober attention to our commander-in-chief AND have wholesome fun. Any REAL American can play. Here's how

*Every time Bush mentions Iraq, eat a piece of sweet and sour chicken, representing the sweetness of Bush's plan and the sourness of its failure at the hands of looting Iraqis and cut-and-running Democrats.

*Every time he says "Free world," eat a freedom fry.

*Every time you see Nancy Pelosi, eat an almond because that's what cyanide tastes like and she's poisoning our country.

*Every time you see Lieberman, grab a kiss. (Hershey's are kosher)

*Every time Bush says "No child left behind," eat a ketchup sandwich because Every American Child has a right to daily vegetables.

*Every time you see Hillary, eat a spoonful of horseradish, because we shall know bitter years if she seizes power.

*Every time Bush says "Secure our borders," eat a hummus taco, because the war against immigration is really a war against terror.

*Every time you see Cheney, eat a leg of quail. (remember to remove the skin out of respect for the Vice President's heart condition.)

*Every time Bush mentions social security or minimum wage don't eat anything because we don't need them.

*Every time he mentions Ahmadinejad, eat an atomic wing. Eat two if he pronounces it correctly.

*Every time he says the word "coalition," nibble on a kielbasa because we don't forget Poland.

*Every time he mentions healthcare, take a bite out of an apple. We don't believe in the welfare state or universal healthcare. An apple a day keeps the doctor away and America healthy.

*Every time he says "tax relief," have a spoonful of caviar and chase it with a swig of champagne.

The State of the Union Address always makes for a great date. Here's how to pre-party it up with that special someone. Listen to music made by artists who support our president. My special State of the Union Address Mix, featuring Kid Rock, Jessica Simpson, JoJo and Britney Spears does the trick every time.

Kidnapping Iranian diplomats = good diplomacy

Though I disagree with much the Iraq Study Group, perhaps my biggest problem is co-author James Baker's claim that the ISG report is not a "fruit salad." Baker told the Senate Armed Services Committee, "I hope we don't treat this like a fruit salad and say I like this, but I don't like that. I like this, but I don't like that. This is a comprehensive strategy..." I'm sorry, but the ISG is indeed a fruit salad, if I've ever seen one. So allow me to separate the cherries I like from the grapefruit that gives me acid. What I do like is the ISG's recommendation that we should hold direct talks with Iran. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: it's always nice to get to new a country before you regime-change and/ or mission-accomplish it. That's just good manners and diplomacy 101. So, last week, when the U.S. military raided Iranian diplomatic offices in Iraq, and detained 6 people, we may have angered the Iranians, Kurds, and Iraqis. But we were only trying to initiate very, very, very direct talks with Iran, in the spirit of the ISG. Walls and doors keep people apart and in knocking them down with bullets and bombs, we forced open new channels for dialogue. By confiscating the Iranian's computers, we wanted to replace cold and alienating electronic communication with intimate exchanges. Once again, however, we were in the words, of our President,misunderstimated.

Happy "He was Almost my Father Day"

Happy He was Almost my Father Day
Martin Luther King Day has a special place in my heart. When I was a young girl growing up on the Upper West Side, my mother would tell me stories about the anti-war and civil rights movements in place of Mother Goose. I remember her telling me about hearing Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech in Washington D.C. Though I was a precocious, progressive child, who would start conversations off with adults by asking them what they thought of the Rosenbergs' execution, I didn't totally get what my mom was talking about. I envisioned that she had a friend--King Martin Luther is what I thought his name was--who lived in Washington D.C. One day she went to visit him and have a sleepover. The next morning King Martin Luther told my mother, "I had a dream," and then told her what was in it. That's really how I imagined it.

Of course, my mother never did have a sleepover with Martin Luther King. Although she did come close to having one with another civil rights leader. He doesn't have as much civil rights cred as Doctor King, but my mother did go on a date with... Marion Barry, who would later become the mayor of D.C. until he was forced to step down in the midst of a crack-cocaine scandal. They met at an event in New York for the Congress of Racial Equality (CORE). I always think, "Out of all the CORE meetings in all the towns in all the world... she had to walk into his" If only my mother had dated a nobler civil rights activist, like Martin Luther King, Medgar Evers, or Malcolm X. Then, whenever I was mad at my dad I could have said: "I don't have to listen to you. You're not my father. Dr. King is my father." But "ex-mayor Barry is my father" doesn't have the same ring to it.

Larry Summers was Right

My readers have expressed shock that I, a long time colleague, admirer, and friend of Larry Summers, am fine with Harvard's possible naming of a female president. Many liberals spilled their fair trade organic chai skim soy lattes all over themselves in disbelief when Summers explained that women are innately weaker at math and science. I think I speak for Larry and myself when I say that women are fully qualified to fill administrative positions. Some of the best secretaries who have ever made me coffee are female. Since college presidents neither add nor subtract, conduct experiments nor write lab reports, I am confident a female could be president. What Larry and I cannot and will not stand, is the naming of a female head of a math or science department.

Cut Tony Blair some slack

Some haters have criticized Tony "W" Blair for his silence on Saddam's execution and for vacationing at a Floridian mansion owned by Robin Gibb-- yes THE Robbin Gibb -- of Bee Gees fame.. I commend Blair for his Bushian Katrina-esque commitment to staying the course on his vacation in the face of natural/ political disasters. Also, where better to experience an execution than from sunny and capital-punishing Florida? Nowhere, ever since the number of Florida's death row inmates surpassed the number of those in scorching Texas. And I'm sure Tony, who opposes the death penalty, found refuge and comfort as he listened to the immortal timeless Bee Gees tune "Staying Alive."

Saddam's hanging could have had class

It’s rare, but occasionally, very occasionally, even I get it wrong. My blog entry praising Saddam’s execution as a symbol of the successful birth of Iraqi democracy was uncharacteristically premature. I, along with Bush and many a wise pundit, was shocked and awed to learn that what could have been a lovely and tasteful hanging was deformed into an act of humiliation and revenge.

Of course I share our Bush’s wish that the execution had “been done in a more dignified way.” But, in fairness to us optimists, all signs pointed to a dignified execution: the simple classic noose, the ski-mask clad executioners, the generous 5 day grace period between the verdict and punishment, the graceful coincidence with the blessed day of Id al-Adha, and, of course, the strong, supportive presence of the U.S. military. Unfortunately, all it took was some taunting and baiting, and a few “go to hells” to sour the otherwise decorous ambience of a death by hanging.

Fringe lunatics including the Pope, the European Union, Tony Blair’s government, and Kurdish brats who whine that Saddam was killed before his massacres of Kurds could be further exposed and documented, have opposed the execution. But my lamenting a botched execution must not be confused with a rejection of the death penalty; nor is it a criticism of the Bush administration’s occupation of Iraq or involvement with Saddam’s trial and punishment. Rather, it is a celebration of both. But to prevent executions from being vengeful, degrading, barbaric travesties of democracy we need to put them in the hands of experts. And regardless of our political orientations, we can all agree that, having signed off on 153 successful and classy executions during his tenure as governor of Texas, George Bush would have brought experience, know how, as well as southern hospitality and good manners, to the hanging.

Saddam's Execution Signifies Arrival of Democracy to Iraq

The execution of Saddam Hussein is a true test of Iraq's commitment to democracy, human rights and justice. By hanging Hussein, Iraq showed the world that Saddam is finally dead and Iraqi democracy has been born. Iraqi president Nuri al-Maliki put it best when he said, "Our respect for human rights means we must implement the execution." I congratulate Iraq for joining the ranks of other democracies like Saudi Arabia, Iran, Zimbabwe, Belorussia, Singapore and the United States where the death penalty rings free. In an age when an increasing number of coward nations have abandoned the death penalty, it is invigorating to know that other countries hold fast to our founding principles of life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and capital punishment.