Lebanon = "birth pangs"

I was disturbed to read that Israeli air strikes had killed 57 civilians, 37 children. I thought it was wrong to bomb a residential building, where 2 extended families, who couldn't afford to evacuate, were seeking refuge.

But then I remembered that what is happening in Lebanon is a natural birthing process. As secretary of state and midwifery, Condoleeza Rice pointed out last week, "What we're seeing here, in a sense, is the growing -- the birth pangs of a new Middle East. And whatever we do, we have to be certain that we are pushing forward to the new Middle East, not going back to the old one. "

Condy won't call for a cease-fire until her lamaze coaching duties are over, until the Middle East "push[es] forward a baby democracy called "Lebanon". Condy's 2 other democratic offspring, promising problem child "Iraq", 3 years old, and cute but hyper-active 6-moth old "Palestine" are excited to have a new sibling to play with. Because the 2 siblings were getting on each others' nerves.

Lebanon = "birth pangs"

I was disturbed to read that Israeli air strikes had killed 57 civilians, 37 children. I thought it was wrong to bomb a residential building, where 2 extended families, who couldn't afford to evacuate, were seeking refuge.

But then I remembered that what is happening in Lebanon is a natural birthing process. As secretary of state and midwifery, Condoleeza Rice pointed out last week, "What we're seeing here, in a sense, is the growing -- the birth pangs of a new Middle East. And whatever we do, we have to be certain that we are pushing forward to the new Middle East, not going back to the old one."

Condy won't call for a cease-fire until her lamaze coaching duties are over, until the Middle East "push[es] forward" a baby democracy called "Lebanon". Condy's 2 other democratic offspring, promising problem child "Iraq", 3 years old, and cute but hyper-active 6-moth old "Palestine" are excited to have a new sibling to play with. Because the 2 siblings were getting on each others' nerves.

Let AT&T Rein!

Earlier this week, a Chicago judge dismissed a lawsuit which sought to prevent AT&T from handing over records to the federal government in the war on terror. This is great news for the Bush administration, which had argued that the case against AT&T be thrown out because it contained “sensitive” information. It's also great news for people like me and you. Next time somebody sues me for committing a crime and violating the constitution, I’ll just explain that I’m very sensitive and it would really hurt my feelings for the case to proceed.

why a cease-fire would be dumb

Diplomats from the United States, Europe, Egypt, Jordan and Saudi Arabia who were meeting in Rome have announced they will not call for a cease-fire. Apparently, Condi, as usual, saved the day, by refusing to allow their statement to call for an “immediate cease-fire.” Instead, Condi insisted the statement announce the diplomats “work immediately to bring a ceasefire.” And thank God. Because a cease-fire would be so dumb.



As Bush explained: "So Condi goes [to the Middle East] with the following messages: We support the [Lebanese] government; we care about the people; we will help to get aid to the people; and that we want a sustainable cease-fire. We don't want something that's short-term in duration. We want to address the root causes of the violence in the area, and therefore, our mission and our goal is to have a lasting peace -- not a temporary peace, but something that lasts." We should wait until there is a sustainable and lasting peace before we call for a cease-fire. It’s that kind of logic that has always informed my steadfast opposition to food aid programs. We must not give out food aid until we have ended world hunger. Duh

And say what you will about our administration, I think we can all agree that "[they] don’t want something that’s short-term in duration." Whether it’s the war in Iraq, or national debt, Bush is in it for the long hall.

The administration has to be right about a cease-fire. They’ve thought about it really long and hard. They were so painstaking in their deliberations, they had to wait almost two weeks before sending Condi on her surprise visit to Beirut.

A cease-fire would be “simplistic.” In the words of John Bolton "The notion that you just declare a cease fire and act as if that is going to solve the problem, I think is simplistic…" And John Bolton knows about simplicity. The ambassador to the UN is a man of such nuance and subtlety, he was able to see that "If the U.N. secretary building in New York lost 10 stories, it wouldn't make a bit of difference..."

Of course, this doesn’t mean that the administration doesn’t care about murder or the destruction of life. I think we all know the president "things murder is wrong." Surely, if 406 frozen embryos had been "murdered", the president would call for an immediate cease-fire, and stop funding Israel. If 406 people in a permanently vegetated state connected to feeding tubes, had been murdered, the president would have flown all the way from Crawford to D.C. to sign a bill protecting the sanctity of their lives. Luckily, we haven't crossed this "moral boundary" yet. Luckily, this is just collateral damage.

Hillary on Israel.

At a rally for Israel in front of the UN. Hillary Clinton asked the following rhetorical question: "I want us here in New York to imagine if extremist terrorists were launching rocket attacks across the Mexican or Canadian border, would we stand by or would we defend America against these attacks from extremists?"
I think Hillary asks a great question. And based on recent history and our government’s response to the last time NY was attacked by "extremist terrorists", I think we all know what the U.S. government would do if we were attacked by, say, Mexico.



1) We would drop some cluster bombs on Mexico, preferably tortilla shaped bombs so civilians would confuse the bombs with food and pick them up
2) We would allow the leader of the extremist terrorist organization to leave Mexico
3) We would then invade El Salvador in search of phantom WMDs and cause a Salvadoran civil war
4) we would destabilize the entire region of Latin America
5) And, por su puesto, Hillary would vote for this war on Latin American terror.

So thank you, Hillary, for showing us that those who do not learn from history, are condemned to repeat it.

Gay Marriage is so... gay

Last week’s tragic congressional defeat of the bill to defend the family, i.e. amend the constitution to ban gay marriage, makes me think of one of my favorite people ever. Mary Cheney. Mary just "came out" with her memoirs, Now It's My Turn: A Daughter's Chronicle of Political Life.
Ever the martyr, Mary is doing her part to support an administration that is doing its part to warp The Constitution in the noble name of homophobia. And what is she getting in return? Nothing! Besides a mere advance of one million dollars from Simon and Schuster.
The book reveals a Mary who is so principled, that the president’s position on gay marriage gives her “a knot in the pit of my stomach.” It must be that debilitating pain from her stomach that prevents Cheney using her role as an out republican to champion the cause of gay rights. The paralyzing knot must be what made her choose to “keep a low profile” i.e. not appear on stage with her dad, and at the same time, run her father’s 2004 campaign.

Mary's so proud of being “gay,” she recalls cussing when Jon Kerry referred to her as a lesbian: "he had used the word 'lesbian,' instead of the more common and politically neutral term 'gay.' " (exactly how self loathing does a lesbian have to be to object to being described as, well, a lesbian?) Shame on you Kerry! How would you like it if someone described you as straight?


Now I have no problems with the gays (see, unlike Kerry, I would never degrade them by using the L Word). Some of my best friends are gay. But I do have trouble believing that Mary Cheney is gay. I don't know what turns people gay, nature or nurture, but whatever it is, if anything could over turn it, it's Dick Cheney's virulence, vitality, and good old fashioned sex appeal. How could a woman turn out gay after being raised by the sexiest, the most charismatic, the most dynamic man ever? I defy any gay woman or straight man to even think about Dick for a few minutes and not at least consider switching teams, or as I like to call it, “pulling a Lieberman.”






But enough from me. Listen to what these gay comics have to say about gay marriage in this Laughing Liberally video

Come see these comics and more Mondays (til August 27th) @ 8PM at the 45th street theater @ 354 West 45th st go to www.laughingliberally.com for tix!

Happy Birthday Mr. President...

Dear president Bush,

We at Laughing Liberally are so upset we forgot about your birthday last week, especially since you’re sooo good about birthdays. Even during Katrina, which we all know really drove you crazy, even as you mourned the loss of Trent Lott’s porch, you took the time to fly to Arizona and give John McCain a birthday cake. (We were going to get you a brass belt buckle but Stephan Harper beat us to it.) So we decided to make you this video. Enjoy!


P.S. If you're in NYC this summer, totally come check out our shows. And invite Cheney (if he's feeling up to it) because I think he'll really get a kick out of it.


New York City - JULY 17 - AUGUST 28
Mondays at 8:00pm
The 45th Street Theatre
354 West 45th Street
Between 8th and 9th Avenue Tickets - $30/$15
Call: 1-800-838-3006
or Click Here

Featuring: Jim David (Comedy Central Presents), Julie Goldman (VH-1 and HBO's Sopranos), Dean Obeidallah (Arab-American Comedy Festival), Scott Blakeman (Air America Radio), Lee Camp (E!), Negin Farsad (Sirius Radio), Katie Halper (Yearly Kos), Jamie Jackson (Town Hall), Elizabeth June (Carolines), Leighann Lord (Comedy Central Premium Blend), Benari Poulten (U.S. Army), Harry Terjanian (MTV), Baratunde Thurston (HBO comedy festival) & more... (Different Line-Up Every Week!)