Pope Gives Props to Turks

The Pope is endorsing Turkey's bid to join the European Union, a move he opposed only three years ago. A Vatican spokesperson explained that Pope Benedict has a new appreciation of Turkey's "Crusade-like" behavior in Armenia, referring to the killing of 1.5 million Armenians between 1915 and 1923. The spokesperson quoted the Pope as saying, "The Turks may be Muslim, but they handled the Armenian apostates in true Medieval European Christian style , and for that they should be seated at the European Union table. Admitting them is the Christian thing to do."

Bush said to be experiencing "low cerebral security"

The Bush adminsiration is no longer using the words "hunger" or "hungry" to descibe the 35 million people who cannot put food on their table. Instead, this 12% of the population is refered to as experiencing "very low food security." According to the United States Department of Agriculture, Dick Cheney ordered this language shift, which is based on a rephrasing he first developed to describe President Bush. In a leaked memo sent from the Vice President to all members of the adminstration, Cheney wrote:

Please refrain from describing the president as "stupid" or suffereing from "stupidity" as these are words he understands and are thus potentially hurtful and damaging to moral, self image, and bold leadership. In the future, please refer to the Commander is Chief as experiencing "very low cerebral security."

some crazy liberal named katie halper gives sex advice on nerve.com

from nerve.com




Katie, 25
Drinking Liberally and comic/co-founder of Laughing Liberally
www.drinkingliberally.org
www.laughingliberally.com



How can election-night sex be spiced up if the Democrats win?
Wear blue lingerie underneath red clothing. That way, when you take off your clothes you're revealing the blue and getting rid of the red. But then you have to have sex with your underwear on, but that's okay — I'd do it for the cause. Or you can put an elephant trunk on your partner and humiliate the elephant. Donkey-elephant S&M.


What if the Dems lose?
Make the elephant-donkey role play even worse for the elephant. More whipping, more spitting. More severe.

How are progressives better in the sack?
We're more compassionate, less selfish. If your sexuality is consistent with your ideology and political outlook, you're more concerned for the other person and less concerned with your own welfare — "welfare" being your orgasm.

My policy-wonk boyfriend has such a boring job that I'm afraid it's turning him conservative in bed. How can I help him reverse this decline?
Put graphs on yourself. Cover yourself in edible body paint with graphs and charts. Make a porn film of yourself, then show it to him in the form of a PowerPoint presentation. Or, while naked in bed, ask him, "Do you know how much the national debt just increased in the past fifteen minutes?" Say it in a dirty voice.

My boyfriend is a McCain guy, but I'm all about Obama. Can this relationship work?
No. We like to pretend these things don't matter, but they do. There are certain values that are just too important. How can I explain to my kid that your dad doesn't think that my friend Bob should be able to marry his boyfriend Bill? The personal and political are too linked.

What's the best way to initiate oral sex in a moving vehicle?
Put on some Lil' Kim. Play "Not Tonight". If you're a deductive reasoner, you might be able to deconstruct the text and get the message: "I don't want dick tonight, eat my pussy right." Say, "Hey, you're gonna want to make a right here, go two miles, go two stop lights, go left at the church and then go down on me." Pretend you're looking for a contact lens. "Your shoelace is untied, I don't want you to trip while driving. Let me tie your shoelace." One thing leads to another.

Democrats tend to be more forgiving of sex scandals than their conservative counterparts. Does this mean my progressive boyfriend is more likely to forgive me if I have an affair?
No, because we also care more about honesty, so we'll be more disappointed. But I'd rather have my boyfriend cheat on me than supply the Contras with arms, or say he broke up with me because he found weapons of mass destruction in my bathroom.

Where's the best place to pick up a Democrat?
Flag-burning or baby-killing parties, or a taping of The Colbert Report.